I know you and your family hate me. That's fine, because my family hates you too. If you think I need you, you are wrong. I was also wrong for thinking that I needed you. If I ever get involved with another man, he's not going to treat me like I am subhuman like you did. I'm glad we never got together. I deserve better than you and so does your wife, I'm sure. That part of me that loved you virtually croaked. If you are any of these assholes that have behaved strangely around me and reminded me of you, fuck off! Sex isn't everything. I probably did better impersonating you during times alone than you would in reality. Ain't no other male going to spit on me or bruise the hell out of me like so many of you in South Plainfield did. I will prove a point to you, only because you may be just as paranoid as I am. I don't plan on stalking you anymore, so don't do it to me! If the phone calls from Vermont were a way to get back at me on top of all the stupid wrong number calls that I got in Belleville, then I should have the right to beat you senseless several times over. I'm better than you though, so I won't. I want you and yours to stop harassing me. I'm not bothering you now. I've been angry, but have been trying to let it go for my own karma. I know you never loved me. I may not have realized it during puberty, but I'm wiser at 38. I wish that I wasn't reminded of you so often. I consider you to be my enemy. I don't think that you would have my best interest at heart even if you begged, which I know you won't. I know only one man is you. A point that one of the counselors made today is that you must be pretty plain looking if I see so many lookalikes. I never looked at it like that, but guess she was right. LOL. Doofus stay with your wife and never bother me again. I won't allow you to harm me anymore.
I've been having suicidal thoughts again. I wish I wasn't so inclined to give up when things are rocky. I'm only 38. I know that I am hurting because of how betrayed I feel. Still, there are ways to overcome this, aren't there? I start thinking it would be good to just say "To Hell with everyone! I don't care what they want. I'm leaving." It's just because I am sick of the shit that I put up with. If I move out, I'll still have to see or hear my mother's shit. I love my family. Please don't think that I don't. I'm just tired of everyone trying to control me. It hurts. I know that I have been diagnosed with a mental illness, but I'm not stupid. I have to figure something out so that I don't kill myself. Obviously, having myself locked in a psychiatric fascility is not going to make this stop. I can't spend the rest of my life in one of those places because they make me even more miserable than the outside world. I have to learn to think for myself again instead of allowing myself to be confused by everyone else. They can't live my life for me, so perhaps they should butt the hell out! I'm going to start doing what I want with my life. I can't keep allowing others to dictate when their agendas are not for my best interest. Their agendas are for their own best interest, not mine. I'm going to start thinking about myself. I have to do this if I am ever going to snap out of my depressed state of mind.
I'm tired of people flipping out on me over my wanting to do normal things that others my age do. I want to move in the future. I guess I have to wait so as to prevent my mother from having financial difficulties. I did warn her, however, that if we have another blow up between us, I will move out. Now, when I get my hair buzzed again like I prefer, she better not freak on me. She says it's not flattering. I'm not trying to be a beauty queen though. I'm trying to protect myself from the clutches of bad men. That's why I haven't shaved my legs or armpits for months. I know that I can be beautiful, because I used to be when I was in my later teens and twenties. If I really wanted a man, I would have to lose weight, clear up my skin, shave, and maybe grow my hair out. Funny thing is that I don't care. Why should I when I know for fact that most of the unmarried men out there are either gay or full of shit when they say that they love? I don't need sex. I do, however, need to love myself. I'm not going to continue to allow myself to be used by shitty men. If mom doesn't understand why I do the things I do, and tries to rip me up, I'm out. It's just that simple.
He seems awesome from what I can see. I dealt with some wierd shit concerning lookalikes in the past though. I do have to give him the utmost respect for being Wiccan. I wish I didn't allow my anger to cause me to do negative spellwork. I guess I have to look up to him in a way. He uses his music to release his negative stuff without harming a soul. If I could turn around and release my anger and hurt in a way that doesn't hurt anyone, Lord knows things could be better. His solo album is absolutely beautiful. There's alot of positive energy being released in it. All I can say is that he's well balanced from what I can see. If there were ever a man that I would be most interested in, it would be him because he's wise. I think he's married and can't see him being interested in me, but I can fantasize. If I were to ever worship another man, it would be him. I just thought that I would share the fact.
Yep. That's how I feel about life right now. Still, I am trying to stay strong. Remembering some of the past really hurt last night. It caused alot of anger. I'm recalling how I have been unjustly treated over the years. It's like living the feelings all over again. On the bright side, I know that at least some of the people who harmed me are suffering. Both my mother and brother rarely get a good night's sleep. I no longer feel sorry for them after what I remembered yesterday. I feel that they are being punished for not being supportive of my religious ventures. My father hurt me too, but was man enough to apologize for choking me. That's probably why he's only suffering for smoking. I'm liable to end up like him too if I don't stop doing it myself. Part of me wants to disown my family down here. I'm that mad. Forget staying with mom until she dies because she might need me. I'm going to save up money and get out of here as soon as possible. I'll go for government supported housing. It may take a year, but so what? It's better than listening to everyone tell me I can't do this or that. I shouldn't have been Baker Acted in 1997. Yes, I was disoriented. I wasn't suicidal or homicidal at the time. I only bit mom and bro after they tackled me to the floor and wouldn't let me leave the house despite the fact that I was 22-23 years old. What's wrong with that picture anyway???????????? I'm pissed.