I know you and your family hate me.  That's fine, because my family hates you too.  If you think I need you, you are wrong.  I was also wrong for thinking that I needed you.  If I ever get involved with another man, he's not going to treat me like I am subhuman like you did.  I'm glad we never got together.  I deserve better than you and so does your wife, I'm sure.  That part of me that loved you virtually croaked.  If you are any of these assholes that have behaved strangely around me and reminded me of you, fuck off!  Sex isn't everything.  I probably did better impersonating you during times alone than you would in reality.  Ain't no other male going to spit on me or bruise the hell out of me like so many of you in South Plainfield did.  I will prove a point to you, only because you may be just as paranoid as I am.  I don't plan on stalking you anymore, so don't do it to me!  If the phone calls from Vermont were a way to get back at me on top of all the stupid wrong number calls that I got in Belleville, then I should have the right to beat you senseless several times over.  I'm better than you though, so I won't.  I want you and yours to stop harassing me.  I'm not bothering you now.  I've been angry, but have been trying to let it go for my own karma.  I know you never loved me.  I may not have realized it during puberty, but I'm wiser at 38.  I wish that I wasn't reminded of you so often.  I consider you to be my enemy.  I don't think that you would have my best interest at heart even if you begged, which I know you won't.  I know only one man is you.  A point that one of the counselors made today is that you must be pretty plain looking if I see so many lookalikes.  I never looked at it like that, but guess she was right.  LOL.  Doofus stay with your wife and never bother me again.  I won't allow you to harm me anymore.

I'm tired of people flipping out on me over my wanting to do normal things that others my age do.  I want to move in the future.  I guess I have to wait so as to prevent my mother from having financial difficulties.  I did warn her, however, that if we have another blow up between us, I will move out.  Now, when I get my hair buzzed again like I prefer, she better not freak on me.  She says it's not flattering.  I'm not trying to be a beauty queen though.  I'm trying to protect myself from the clutches of bad men.  That's why I haven't shaved my legs or armpits for months.  I know that I can be beautiful, because I used to be when I was in my later teens and twenties.  If I really wanted a man, I would have to lose weight, clear up my skin, shave, and maybe grow my hair out.  Funny thing is that I don't care.  Why should I when I know for fact that most of the unmarried men out there are either gay or full of shit when they say that they love?  I don't need sex.  I do, however, need to love myself.  I'm not going to continue to allow myself to be used by shitty men.  If mom doesn't understand why I do the things I do, and tries to rip me up, I'm out.  It's just that simple.

Yep.  That's how I feel about life right now.  Still, I am trying to stay strong.  Remembering some of the past really hurt last night.  It caused alot of anger.  I'm recalling how I have been unjustly treated over the years.  It's like living the feelings all over again.  On the bright side, I know that at least some of the people who harmed me are suffering.  Both my mother and brother rarely get a good night's sleep.  I no longer feel sorry for them after what I remembered yesterday.  I feel that they are being punished for not being supportive of my religious ventures.  My father hurt me too, but was man enough to apologize for choking me.  That's probably why he's only suffering for smoking.  I'm liable to end up like him too if I don't stop doing it myself.  Part of me wants to disown my family down here.  I'm that mad.  Forget staying with mom until she dies because she might need me.  I'm going to save up money and get out of here as soon as possible.  I'll go for government supported housing.  It may take a year, but so what?  It's better than listening to everyone tell me I can't do this or that.  I shouldn't have been Baker Acted in 1997.  Yes, I was disoriented.  I wasn't suicidal or homicidal at the time.  I only bit mom and bro after they tackled me to the floor and wouldn't let me leave the house despite the fact that I was 22-23 years old.  What's wrong with that picture anyway????????????  I'm pissed.